After yesterday’s whirlwind day and being down for what seemed like forever. I felt good this morning despite the stuffy nose and warm temperature. I was glad that we went to my daughter’s Open House and I’m very glad to know that she is doing very very well. Overall everything seems fine.
On the surface looks may be deceiving. I think I have a problem. A big one at that….I think I probably have depression or maybe it’s anxiety…either one I should find out soon. I hardly sleep at night, I’m until all hours of the night and to top it off I have to sleep with the TV on and it has to be set on low for the volume, crazy I know but that’s how things roll at the house.
On another note I think I know what’s making me go crazy and crazy. It definitely has to be the fact that for the past three years ( yes I said three) I’ve had Chlamydia. Although I got checked the first year and got medication for it, then when I went back to the doctor about a year and half ago I still had it and was also given meds then. I haven’t visited an Ob-Gyn since and now I’m terribly scared that it has progressed to PID since women who have an IUD are more prone to it and to my luck, I have a Mirena… and I know it’s like ‘well how do you know you have PID?’…I was looking up Chlamydia and then PID popped up and then the symptoms came up and whoa buddy…I literally have most of those symptoms. It’s super scary…especially because all of these STD’s cause…INFERTILITY…and yes I know I brought this all upon myself & yes I know that no one should feel sorry for me, which I’m not looking for that. The thing is I wanted to have more children at some point, I didn’t want my daughter to be an only child. I wanted her to have siblings and to have someone there to always play with. I always put that thought in the back of my head…when was I going to have more children? I thought that after I took my Mirena off that things would just happen. Now I’m stuck with the HUGE possibility of never being able to have any children again versus KNOWING that I can have children and the possibility of me being able to have another one. [Sigh]
To top it all off…something’s in the water because clearly EVERYONE I know is Pregnant! & how could I not be happy for them when this is such a blessing and some of these women are expecting their first child. I’ve had my chance to be a mother and it was the most amazing thing, I just cant help to be a little bit jealous of the fact that I may never experience it again. Today out of all days I decide to watch One Born Every Minute & it shook me… I was bawling my eyes out quietly, hoping no one would hear me… IT is hitting me and it’s hitting me hard… I might only be a mommy to my daughter and that should be enough because at least God blessed me with being a mother while some women never get the chance but the other side of me is not okay with it…and it’s very hard to deal with right now…
On the bright side, if there is a bright side to this… I made an appointment with and Ob-Gyn to get checked out… I know things may not be good but at least I’ll get it out of the way with.
But for now I’ll just let go and listen to the music…
